Hiding

I'm so sick of hiding under this false, battered shell. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own worthless body, the one that I've made a living hell of a life for. Maybe if I hadn't chosen such a path to follow, I would still be normal and the person I had longed to become. But I'm not. And I can't go back in time. So I guess I'm stuck like this, imprisoned forever in my own machine.

That's how I see myself, actually. My brain is like a big bundle of thoughts, ideas and emotions and it uses my body, the machine, to do all the things my brain wants to do but can't. I wish there was some way to switch all my thoughts and ideas into a different body. Then I could start fresh, and not have to deal with all the nonsense I've created. I'd never have to deal with Ben or anyone else again. I could just move on with my life and make a new future for myself, one that simply, and sadly, isn't possible in the form of Alyssa-Jayne.

I've been crying for three days straight, and I keep getting a blood nose from bashing it into my bedpost (which has now snapped off). My stomach and back hurt. My head is throbbing. And he's warned me that within days he will do something so powerfully devastating that my entire life (if you could call it a life) will be turned upside down.
The thought that he has the force to do such a thing when I am already so low is really, truly hard to wrap my head around.

I'm on the very brink, and so close to falling off. But I don't think that anybody really understands the true gravity of my situation.

Not even myself.