I was selected to be in the only 10 students in Melbourne to undertake the forensic science program in May.
Why me? Should I feel as though I'm special or intelligent or even alright at biology, since I, Alyssa, have been chosen to participate in this spectacular event? I don't feel adequate, I feel overrated and underused, pointless and pathetic, but it seems I'm the only one who can admit it. I am given higher grades than my work deserves because examiners take pity on the desperate, depressed waste of space that is me. They see the need in my eyes, they can hear the pleading tone in my voice, and they watch as the pressure and inner pain of knowing I'll never be good enough washes over me each and every time I attempt to create a piece of work worthy of a "satisfactory".
I sometimes wish I could turn back time so that maybe I wouldn't be such a dreadful excuse waste of time, life and resources - unfortunately, I have so far been unsuccessful in finding a way to do that, too. I'm unsuccessful in everything I try.
I can't even starve myself for more than a week without giving in and eating a whole sandwich in one sitting. There are people out there who never eat, and here I am having breakfast up to 3 times a week and so-called "healthy choices" for dinner every single night. I even ate at recess and lunch yesterday. It made me feel sick. To be completely fair to myself, my parents force me to eat breakfast and dinner. But that's not the point. The point is I should weigh 45kg and I weigh over 60kg. It makes me want to die.
I can't get anything right. I'm such a useless beast. I can't even listen to the right music or buy the right things on eBay. I already broke the chain on the necklace Marko sent me for my birthday - it was a beautiful silver chain with Odin's two ravens, Huginn and Muninn on either side of four small beads representing dawn, dusk, thunder and lightning, with Thor's hammer directly in the centre. I loved it so much that I was afraid I would break the chain as it was so delicate, and I did break it by falling asleep in it last night. I didn't lose any of the pieces but that isn't the point. The point is that I'm a failure and a disappointment who doesn't deserve to have people's attention or affection.
I hope I rot.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Det som en gang var
Well it's my birthday, and I thought I'd let you know what I've got so far.
- A white gold and diamond heart pendant
- A Burzum t-shirt
- A beautiful little stained glass clock
- A necklace with Thor's hammer and Odin's two ravens on it
- The second season of Metalocalypse on DVD
- An Ulver album, 2 Hades albums and a Darkthrone album
- A box of chocolates (even though I can't eat them, they look delicious!)
- A great big organiser
- A keyring with a functioning heart-shaped lock and key
and last but not least
- My mother named my two new kittens Varg and Toki, after two of my heroes! I am so happy!
In case you don't know who they are, Varg Vikernes and Toki Wartooth are Norwegian metal musicians, among other things (murderers, neo nazis, cartoon characters, cough cough...)
Anyways I'm positively elated at my babies' new names and I'll cherish that gift for a long time to come. Oh, I thought I'd add as well that although Toki and Varg are both male names, my Toki is a little girl. I don't mind, I'm still ecstatic.
I also had a very strange dream last night. It seemed to go on forever, although I'm sure it wasn't as long as it felt. It was in heaps of different parts but I'll just tell you about one strange section. I'd moved into this huge building (suspiciously like Dethklok's Mordhaus on Metalocalypse) with my friends Sam, Cameron and Justin, and I was walking around checking it out. It was in Berlin, and was somewhere around 30 storeys tall (wowie). I went into the dining/meeting room, where there was a long, medieval 20 seat table and a huge rectangular window about 10 metres across and 5 metres high. The room looked directly out onto this massive church that was just across the street - it was the most elaborate church I'd ever seen and the domes and spires were framed perfectly by the window. I was drawn to it, the image of fire in my mind, the church ablaze and the sky filled with thick, black smoke. I walked towards it, unblinking, until I came to the window. There was a tense laughter in the back of my mind, urging me onward, closer to the church. I had to touch it, I had to hear the wood crumble to the ground, breathe in the suffocating smoke as the tapestries curled up and turned to ashes and watch as the entire building fell to its demise... I gazed down at the busy street that separated me from the church. I put my hand on the glass, but as soon as I did it disappeared and I fell forward. There was a steeply slanted 10 metre segment of roofing jutting out beneath each window, including this one. I tumbled down and managed to grab hold of an ancient-looking stone gargoyle. I don't know why, but I didn't scream or even feel terrible alarmed. Justin appeared above me, staring down from the windows ledge. His expression was bored and almost irritated as he said to me, "What are you doing."
I squealed a little at his insensitivity given that I was about to plumet 15 storeys to my death. He shook his head in exasperation and walked away. I hoped that somebody would call the police to help me down safely.
So yeah. I'm going to watch Metalocalypse now.
Ha det bra!
xx
- A white gold and diamond heart pendant
- A Burzum t-shirt
- A beautiful little stained glass clock
- A necklace with Thor's hammer and Odin's two ravens on it
- The second season of Metalocalypse on DVD
- An Ulver album, 2 Hades albums and a Darkthrone album
- A box of chocolates (even though I can't eat them, they look delicious!)
- A great big organiser
- A keyring with a functioning heart-shaped lock and key
and last but not least
- My mother named my two new kittens Varg and Toki, after two of my heroes! I am so happy!
In case you don't know who they are, Varg Vikernes and Toki Wartooth are Norwegian metal musicians, among other things (murderers, neo nazis, cartoon characters, cough cough...)
Anyways I'm positively elated at my babies' new names and I'll cherish that gift for a long time to come. Oh, I thought I'd add as well that although Toki and Varg are both male names, my Toki is a little girl. I don't mind, I'm still ecstatic.
I also had a very strange dream last night. It seemed to go on forever, although I'm sure it wasn't as long as it felt. It was in heaps of different parts but I'll just tell you about one strange section. I'd moved into this huge building (suspiciously like Dethklok's Mordhaus on Metalocalypse) with my friends Sam, Cameron and Justin, and I was walking around checking it out. It was in Berlin, and was somewhere around 30 storeys tall (wowie). I went into the dining/meeting room, where there was a long, medieval 20 seat table and a huge rectangular window about 10 metres across and 5 metres high. The room looked directly out onto this massive church that was just across the street - it was the most elaborate church I'd ever seen and the domes and spires were framed perfectly by the window. I was drawn to it, the image of fire in my mind, the church ablaze and the sky filled with thick, black smoke. I walked towards it, unblinking, until I came to the window. There was a tense laughter in the back of my mind, urging me onward, closer to the church. I had to touch it, I had to hear the wood crumble to the ground, breathe in the suffocating smoke as the tapestries curled up and turned to ashes and watch as the entire building fell to its demise... I gazed down at the busy street that separated me from the church. I put my hand on the glass, but as soon as I did it disappeared and I fell forward. There was a steeply slanted 10 metre segment of roofing jutting out beneath each window, including this one. I tumbled down and managed to grab hold of an ancient-looking stone gargoyle. I don't know why, but I didn't scream or even feel terrible alarmed. Justin appeared above me, staring down from the windows ledge. His expression was bored and almost irritated as he said to me, "What are you doing."
I squealed a little at his insensitivity given that I was about to plumet 15 storeys to my death. He shook his head in exasperation and walked away. I hoped that somebody would call the police to help me down safely.
So yeah. I'm going to watch Metalocalypse now.
Ha det bra!
xx
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Inn I Slottet Fra Drømmen
Gjennom tåkete daler mellom dystre
Fjell under grå skyer mitt i svarte natt
På en stolt hest iført svarte klær sterke våpen i hånd
Uendelig med døde trær en evighet av kulde
Over stokk og stein inn i skyggene
Ut fra tåkenut fra mørke, ut fra fjellets store
Skygge drømmens slott
Da stopper rittet som varte i en livstid for herren går
Inn i slottet fra drømmen.
- 'Inn i slottet fra drømmen', Hvis Lyset Tar Oss, Burzum, 1993
Friday, March 27, 2009
Birthday dethday
So I've been neglecting you lately, apparently too busy downloading albums off Rapidshare and Megaupload to write a short blog once in a while...
I'll try to write more frequently to avoid mine become another of the vast array of DEADBLOGS that pollute the internet... Anyhow, here's a short piece I wrote on life versus death.
What expression rises in being this age that one shall cease to remember yet never forget? The turgid response that comes from the most inward part of our soul that tells us, this is who I am, who I always will be, and who I alone have the power to control; and what to make of it?
A soft lullaby that rests yet on the lips of dreamers who once more forgot to fall asleep. That regrettable place that lies between day and night, light and dark, life and death; unspeakably irresistible in its morbid appeal. It is the realisation that, if all else fails, the one thing we can be sure of is this - we are all going to die.
It’s a small comfort in a world of endless and utter despair, constantly agitated and disorderly populations away from which the tide desperately tugs, to sift back out into the deep and dark ocean with its crystalline reflections of the moon… so pure.
Every step taken is one closer to true being – the ultimate promise that can never be broken by any man, woman or child, ever reliable and relentless in its macabre envisage. We all wait patiently for its hand to rest on our shoulder and tenderly press us from this realm of hollow, earthly indifference and into the blissful nothing that is eternal damnation. The black clouds that swarm and shudder with full mass ready to weep for one last farewell.
Oh how I long for that final, indulgent embrace.
P.S. after this long and lovely post, I thought I'd let you all know that it is my birthday the day after tomorrow. Hooray for being one year closer to the end of my life!
I'll try to write more frequently to avoid mine become another of the vast array of DEADBLOGS that pollute the internet... Anyhow, here's a short piece I wrote on life versus death.
What expression rises in being this age that one shall cease to remember yet never forget? The turgid response that comes from the most inward part of our soul that tells us, this is who I am, who I always will be, and who I alone have the power to control; and what to make of it?
A soft lullaby that rests yet on the lips of dreamers who once more forgot to fall asleep. That regrettable place that lies between day and night, light and dark, life and death; unspeakably irresistible in its morbid appeal. It is the realisation that, if all else fails, the one thing we can be sure of is this - we are all going to die.
It’s a small comfort in a world of endless and utter despair, constantly agitated and disorderly populations away from which the tide desperately tugs, to sift back out into the deep and dark ocean with its crystalline reflections of the moon… so pure.
Every step taken is one closer to true being – the ultimate promise that can never be broken by any man, woman or child, ever reliable and relentless in its macabre envisage. We all wait patiently for its hand to rest on our shoulder and tenderly press us from this realm of hollow, earthly indifference and into the blissful nothing that is eternal damnation. The black clouds that swarm and shudder with full mass ready to weep for one last farewell.
Oh how I long for that final, indulgent embrace.
P.S. after this long and lovely post, I thought I'd let you all know that it is my birthday the day after tomorrow. Hooray for being one year closer to the end of my life!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The funny side of February
What I do when Sam comes over:
“Why does his nose look like stairs?”
“I don’t know, cause I don’t know how to draw stairs.”
~
“Synchronised vomiting!”
“My turn!”
~
“I have customised sounds for different people logging in – yours is a shredding guitar and Justin’s is like some French coffee shop music*, it’s like “dun na na na na ning ning!”…oh wait no that’s just the song we just listened to…”
~
[Imagine the next 6 hours spent drinking Midori and singing karaoke online]
What I do when Courtney comes over:
Yeah figure it out for yourself.
*It actually isn't. This is a mistake I made once again whilst explaining the custom sounds to Courtney. Justin's custom login sound is a few baritone notes of jazz-blues saxophone. His custom message alert sound is the "coffee shop" music, and it sounds more like "blinka-ding, dung-dung, dun da-diddle-in, da do do".
“Why does his nose look like stairs?”
“I don’t know, cause I don’t know how to draw stairs.”
~
“Synchronised vomiting!”
“My turn!”
~
“I have customised sounds for different people logging in – yours is a shredding guitar and Justin’s is like some French coffee shop music*, it’s like “dun na na na na ning ning!”…oh wait no that’s just the song we just listened to…”
~
[Imagine the next 6 hours spent drinking Midori and singing karaoke online]
What I do when Courtney comes over:
Yeah figure it out for yourself.*It actually isn't. This is a mistake I made once again whilst explaining the custom sounds to Courtney. Justin's custom login sound is a few baritone notes of jazz-blues saxophone. His custom message alert sound is the "coffee shop" music, and it sounds more like "blinka-ding, dung-dung, dun da-diddle-in, da do do".
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